Reply To: Woman with a torture/murder fetish looking to share ideas with similar minds.

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#71333
Amanda
Participant

Hey Mean Green,

Nice to meet you. I was pretty young myself when I started experiencing these feelings. My parents never sheltered me, so I was able to watch morbid and graphic movies at a young age. I remember being attracted to the power and malice of the bad characters on TV as a little kid, and I used to like to pretend and act out scenarios where I would be deliberately cruel and defiant and could oppress people around me. The funny thing is, I was actually a really good, rule following kid, so I must have enjoyed the aspect of breaking rules and taboos and feeling completely free to let out a side of myself that was kept under wraps.

I, too, had people close to me experience tragedies. A good friend of mine was attacked and beaten nearly to death by her father, along with her sister and mother. She managed to get away before being killed, but it caused her quite a few psychological issues. I should have been horrified and disgusted by what happened, but instead I was imagining what it would feel like to be the one doing something so awful.

My fascination with this stuff only continued to grow as I aged. At first, I felt like thinking this way was inappropriate and I tried to convince myself that I didn’t really like this stuff, I just had a morbid curiosity. But the more I tried to stop enjoying it, the more I craved to do it. Once I hit my later teen years, I stopped caring about the morality of such actions and even grew to find the “evil” of it to be extremely attractive.

While the torture aspect is the meat and potatoes for me (and definitely part of the aspect of power, dominance, and fear that I crave) murder has always been my biggest fixation. I guess I like that it is permanent and the ultimate end. People can recover from pain, albeit with psychological scars, but murder is final. Not only are you taking away someone’s choice, you are also harming their loved ones and creating panic and sadness on a widespread level. Just thinking about how awful that is sends me through the roof with pleasure, strange as that is.

I will mention that although my parents were supportive and also very loving, they had violent tempers, and my mom would punish me in physically agressive ways when I was a kid (i.e. dragging me by my hear, punching me in the stomach, cursing at me and demeaning me). I bear her no ill will over it, and she has mellowed out with age and felt guilty for the way she acted. I don’t think it’s the primary cause for my desires, but I’m sure that being exposed to screaming and violence at that age sort of desensitized me to it.

Otherwise, my life is good and I consider myself privileged. I’d love to act on these fantasies, but it wouldn’t be worth throwing my life away and landing in jail.

What are your favorite methods of torture?