Goodbye

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    • #60656
      meline65
      Participant

      I always had a rough life since I was born . I saw my father drug him
      Himself and arrive home drunk almost every night and beat my mother even when she was pregnant . I saw him almost kill my mom and if it wasn’t for help of our neighbors I think she would be dead by now . At school people would make fun of me for being poor and because of my father too .they would tell my mum was ( which I discover later that she was ). I had no friends I sat alone , there was a point where i would hide myself under cars during lunch break so people wouldn’t see me . When I was 8 I moved to someone else’s house , someone who had more money and better conditions to raise me . I started to hate everyone for separating me from my family , from my mom and my brothers . I was constantly afraid that some day I would receive a call saying that my dad crossed the line and finally killed someone in the house and I wasn’t there to do something ( as if I could ) . Yes I was young but i still worried about that shit and I was forced to grow up and suck it up. As years progressed I found that i didn’t like boys as the others girls did and it felt so wrong , I was disgusted with myself so I desperately tried to find some guy that would momentarily make me forget who i was . I hid myself never telling anyone with afraid of being judged like i was when I was young . People now respected me for social status , for having money but for me the money the people I was with had didn’t worth a shit . I was unhappy , without my family . I had good grades I was perfect on the outside but inside I was dying and I didn’t trust myself with anyone because I knew the second I did people would use my weakness against me .
      Two years ago I found myself in a position that I barely left my house , only when I needed Too , I didn’t talk to anyone and just sat in my room alone always in the dark . I felt nothing on the inside , I honestly thought I was dead . I started to hurt myself by cutting my skin and burning it with cigarettes desperate to feel something . to know that I existed .i used drugs to forget and alcohol too .
      I thought I didn’t deserve to be here so i gave up And made my first attempt of suicide by taking anxiety pills and depression pills . It didn’t work cause someone caught me two hours later and took me to the hospital . People begged so much for me to stay , everyone came around and showed they cared and shit but they weren’t there when I needed them . However since I have such a soft heart I stayed here trying to hold myself together for the others . You know they would say things as I need you I can’t make it without you , saying I was being selfish , making emotional blackmail . I was sent to a mental health centers and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder . And for me it was shit . Really I never believed in them , they just wanted a excuse to medicate me with powerful sedatives . Now to years later , two years of numbness , emptiness , never finding a meaning for my life , answers as to why I should stay here and suffer longer , feeling worthless , I finally decided that it’s time to go . And I don’t give a shit about who I’m leaving behind because I always lived for someone else but me and if people really love me like they say they’ll understand that I can’t live like this anymore . They have to let me go . This is my life and my body .

      Bestgore members this is just a little insight of my life , there’s so much more to tell but my disgraces aren’t worth the time of anyone . I just worship some many of you for the powerful minds you have and after all the time I’ve been following the site and after all you gave me I think you deserve my last sincere words . Tonight is the Night for me . I will fall asleep peacefully and stay like that forever .

      No one can convince me not to . I know that some may think I’m a attention seeker but I’m not . I just needed to get some things out of my chest for once in my life . I will take the rest of the day to watch every video of the site I can to bring back some last memories . Sorry for any mistakes this isn’t my mother language . Whatever .

      Bye

    • #60660
      Steve-O90
      Participant

      No!!!! Are you still here???

      • #60661
        meline65
        Participant

        As i said I’m taking the day to watch videos here . I’m only doing it tonight . I’m in Portugal so yeah I have a few hours to kill .

    • #60662
      Steve-O90
      Participant

      How old are you?

      • #60664
        meline65
        Participant

        I don’t think it really matters but I’m 19 .

    • #60665
      GUSS-GUSS
      Participant

      19 huh shot that’s nothing I also had a ruff childhood as well as my wife and her whole family we came off the Rez in Arizona but we made the best of it and put our self in a better condition and situations as well I would like to encourage you to prove everyone wrong cause in real life 19 is really nothing that’s still too young hell I’m 30 and to me that’s too young to go haha I still got shit to do and places to go well I hope for the best for you though

      • #60667
        meline65
        Participant

        Yeah the thing is that I don’t have any energy left in me or will to do any of that . Believe I’ve tried so many times to get up and do something but each time I do it something goes wrong , every fucking time . If I had a little chance I would grasp it but I don’t and I’m tired of waiting for something that won’t come . My childhood was difficult but it never got better . The only thing that changed was the place I lived in and my money conditions . And I can say that money doesn’t bring anything to your life other than predators who want to suck it out of you . If you hope the best for me , hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow cause that would be the happiest thing that could ever happen to me right now .

        • #60786
          Kitterz
          Participant

          I can see the despair and emotional struggle you’re going through. If you choose this path, I can’t stop you. All I can do is {HUG} you. You’re worthy of so much more than this.

    • #60670
      illegalsmile55
      Participant

      You are the only one who is responsible for your own happiness. The decisions you make, are yours alone.
      Do you realize that every word you said can be said by everybody! You are not unique, believe me. If you’ve been on this site as much as you say, then you should know, life sucks, nobody, nobody, nobody, has a perfect life. It really is the way of life. Instead of feeling alone and misunderstood, your not. We are just stupid human beings who seemingly never get how lucky they are. You say you have money now, think about some woman in a third world country and has every problem you mentioned, now add on hunger, misogyny, children who are dying in front of you…etc.,
      I’m not going to hope you kill yourself, that’s on you.

      • #60675
        meline65
        Participant

        Maybe what I do say has been said but do you know why ? Because we are all humans and we have the same feelings and im well aware that I’m lucky to have better life conditions but that’s not the point here . Do you think I’m happy to feel like this ? That I chose to feel like this ? And I think that it’s fair for me to decide wether I should live or not even if people dont think I have reasons to . I don’t feel misunderstood , I don’t feel alone . I just don’t want to live anymore because constantly feel there’s something missing in my life and I just want to cry and be alone close my eyes and not see anything or hear anything and again no I’m not unique , I’m not the only one but I don’t care because it doesn’t hurt less inside to know that someone feels the same way , it doesn’t change what I feel .

        • #60682
          meline65
          Participant

          You know what I don’t need to justify myself or my actions . I just wanted to open myself here because people close to me don’t know how I’m feeling and I thought I could be honest at least one time in my life without being criticized or judged . So if you’re coming here just to try to make me look bad or make me feel bad for what I’m intending to do just please don’t say anything at all .

        • #60758
          Aegrescit medendo
          Participant

          “You know what I don’t need to justify myself or my actions”
          These are the words that I’ll remember you by.

        • #60762
          illegalsmile55
          Participant

          @meline65,

          I think you misunderstood what I was trying to convey. I’m in no way at all trying to make you feel bad, you have enough of that already.
          I have a slightly different skew on people killing themselves. It actually pisses me off, so maybe my words reflected that. But maybe you read them in a way that suits you? Maybe there’s a communication breakdown, something lost in translation.. I have known 13 people who killed themselves, and I saw what it did to their kids, family, and friends. So I happen to think it’s a shitty, selfish thing to do. That’s just my opinion, and it’s pretty much worthless. But I would hope you’d think about it, and not do something that cannot be undone.
          Your a young person, the only certain things are death and change, and change can be for the good. Listen to the luv muscle! He’s got it going on…

    • #60746
      GUSS-GUSS
      Participant

      So are you still here among the living?

    • #60753
      Theluvmuscle
      Spectator

      @meline65 Hi. We never finished our discussion about the subject you’re studying. Also, send us a pic of you on your avi.

      If you do go through with what you say, you would be depriving me and many others the chance of getting to know you and maybe becoming friends. Also, I really hate to see people who die young, for whatever reason. One bug worth you have that I know of is that you may be able to help others who, like you, are considering suicide. You would be able to relate to the depths of despair and depression and perhaps help someone out of the hole you’re in now.

      If I had one bit advice that might help you, it would be to get out of yourself and go do something you’ve never done before, like taking a trip to somewhere far away and unfamiliar, like to a snow covered mountain all by yourself, or the middle of nowhere, where you don’t have to be anything to anyone for awhile. Just you.

      You are my friend here on BG. So, hope things work out for you. Maybe we can meet someday. Come say hi to me in California and I’ll show you the sights.

      Russell

      • #60757
        Gnat
        Participant

        Exactly…
        Well said, @milton61.

        Please, @meline65, why would you do this if you didn’t want “help”?
        I certainly don’t have all the answers that you seek and I’m not here to ridicule you but I will interrogate you, only if you want to be understood.

        I’m not going to apologize for being an asshole, by the way.

        That’s about the most honest answer you’re going to get around here.

    • #60778

      May I ask how you’ve planned on doing it?
      I have no idea how you think or feel, to be honest I don’t really care.
      I don’t want to seem like a douche but suicide has been on my mind since the age you hid underneath cars, so I’m curious. I’ve been rescued from two serious attempts and put on medication that didn’t do shit.

      I’m not saying “it gets better”, it could get better it could also get worse, that’s not the point.
      Is feeling and experiencing nothing forever better than actually feel and experience something, even though the pain and experiences are close to unbareable? You’re going to die soon, wether it’s by choice or not.
      Try to find comfort in that, if you can’t, I wish you farewell and a happy journey. Best wishes.

      I’m gonna stay for at least a little while more, so if you do as well, I’m not just saying “let’s talk” – I’m asking you to actually hit me up wether you want to or not 😉 to chat or whatever, I’d be happy if you did. I’m a 24 yr male btw, if that’s relevant.
      One breath at a time.

    • #60779

      Whatever medication you’ve been on it’s probably not right for you. It sometimes take excessive evaluation for a psychiatrist to get a grasp on what you really need (what medication, type of therapy etc.).
      I bet you’ve had your fair share of mental health proffesionals, but you really should tell your current one what you told us on here.
      Also not to sound like a drug liberalist, but after several years of agonizing anxiety and medication I found weed settling me down and cut off the top of the iceberg.

      I hope you stick around to get to know what could actually help you. Even though I can’t cope close to 100%,I’m no longer trying to off myself once a month. Again… One breath at a time. Whatever you choose I wish you the best of luck.

    • #60780

      Btw; Off topic, but I have to address the sanctimoniousness in this thread. I know at least two or three of you commenting on here that would laugh and make puny jokes about her suicide if it was filmed and you didn’t know she was a member. Not pointing fingers! Just a sudden observation and realization of your/our hypocrisy.
      Then again you could argue it wouldn’t matter as she already would’ve been dead, but I doubt the same people trying to talk her out of it would as easily laugh if a video of her suicide went was uploaded here.

      • #60855
        Kitterz
        Participant

        So true. 🙁

      • #60880
        illegalsmile55
        Participant

        @inspector, your entitled to your opinion, but your here with all us sanctimonious assholes, right? You have empathy for this person because you share an experience, that doesn’t make us bad guys, and like you said above, honestly, I don’t care.
        She asked, she got told. It’s that simple. She obviously wants help, but she has an excuse for everything that people are trying to tell her, to help her. She’s responsible for her decisions, not any of us. I’m not hoping she kills herself! I do agree with the med issue, sometimes it takes a while to find the right one or combo of drugs. I take amitriptyline and medicinal marijuana, and it’s working.

        • #62411

          Yes I’m one of you sanctimonious assholes lol, hence me saying “our sanctimoniousness”. I have some empathy for her, but really I just don’t want/didn’t want her to do anything too rash. Suicide attempts are sometimes by impuls and can result in a situation worse than death, also why I asked her how she planned on doing it. I never said any of you were bad guys.. She’s responsible for her decisions, none of you are, I haven’t argued that. I didn’t know the girl was alive before she posted here so I won’t lose any sleep over her possible departure. I just hope she’s really certain of her decision and that it’s a sober decision and not one of a too mentally ill mind. I’m glad you’ve found what works for you! (:

        • #62413
          illegalsmile55
          Participant

          @★✰ Brothel Inspector ✰★
          Thank you, my comment sounded snide..lol..I’ve known many who took that way out, and it makes me angry. I’m nobody, my opinions mean little to anyone, I just don’t get it.

    • #60804
      SheWhispers
      Participant

      If you are still around when the sun comes up, I would love to talk to you in any mode that you would feel safe talking to me through. There are people out here who do genuinely care whether you take one more breath or not, and I am one of them…and I can vouch for several people on that they are truly sincere in their willingness to help you through this.

      I would love to hear about your story. What you have written here is the history of things that have happened in your life. I want to know about the things that really matter. The story of you. And I would like to tell you the story of me.

    • #60856
      REDRUM
      Participant

      ;-; Dafuq?

    • #61502
      GUSS-GUSS
      Participant

      are you still here?

      • #61503
        REDRUM
        Participant

        The cunt’s gone.

    • #61862

      Damn…

    • #61893
      Der Kopfsammler
      Spectator

      Provavelmente cheguei atrasado para a “festa”… mas epah, se tens força para te matares tambem tens força para viveres e deixares tudo para trás. Mas ja que te fostes, e nem destes uma oportunidade para agúem daqui que pode te alcançar— que tenhas uma boa proxima vida. 🙂

    • #61896
      alicatt
      Participant

      Sad….I hope she found her peace

    • #63665
      Arab Atheist
      Participant

      i just read this, are you still there? u messed me up mentally, dont do that are you still there?

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