My story and desperation

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    • #96347
      Don
      Participant

      It is generally accepted to my strained mentality that I am stuck in this state, long ago learning to accept who I am even if regretfully so.

      I do not wish to make this drawn out so I will spare formalities.

      I have many mental disorders, wished to die many years and attempted many times. I have never been successful pardon to my dreams. I have never cut, I have never hurt myself unless it was the brink of death. I sit for weeks, my legs go numb, I stop breathing, my body dies. I wish I could cut, make it a simple healing wound rather than an elaborate mental scar. I fear physical pain yet mental in my eyes more than compensates.

      I let my knives go dull through my woodworking, the kitchen knives stay locked and I am watched when I shave on the rare occasion I do. They worry I will do these things but with good mindset, the rest dying down to their superstition of me being a delinquent. I have never used drugs, I have never had sex, I am good in school. I am model in many eyes, not knowing my bludgeoned conscience or lust for the pain of others. Everything I enjoy is hidden to myself. I admit I am intelligent to the point of absolute deceit, able to hide almost anything I wish and get anything I want. I never ask for things, I never request new permissions. I do not deserve them. I would say my lacking would be hiding my own body, be it through cuts, tattoos or anything of the like to example. I wish I could cut deep, scrape my bone yet hide the blood, others not worry about me or the scars. I want my pain to be mine, I don’t want others to stare at it but rather my arms sting with each movement, yet, I fear pain. I prefer my solitary thought, I prefer my fantasy of cutting, killing, dying, yet I want to bleed.

      I say all of this but know not what it will accomplish, mostly rambling from what I can tell from my own accord.

      Speak your thoughts if you wish. I am a new user by the way, short time lurker in desperation for blood. I enjoy this site more than I can express.

    • #96401
      Don
      Participant

      I’ve cut for the first time. They’re small, but my heart is pounding and fingers shaking as i type.

      • #96404
        Curiouskitty
        Participant

        I cut several years ago to relieve anxiety and stress. I’m more of a sadist though I enjoy a bit of pain. It made me feel alive.

        • #96405
          Don
          Participant

          I recently posted about how i can make it hurt less. I’m so sensitive to pain but I want to go deeper. I always loved the thought of my body being open to my eyes. A poetic value to that sight as well as a simple mental assurance to myself.

    • #96406
      Curiouskitty
      Participant

      You can make the part where you would cut numb. You just need to get used to the pain and enjoy it imo if you want to go deeper

    • #119781
      i eat weeds
      Participant

      poetic

    • #119789
      svarg26
      Participant

      you are possessed by demons. get an exorcism.

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