The death of my mom (not gore related at all)

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    • #355367

      I got up early that morning as I needed to see her, to be with her before all the fuckwits arrived. Perhaps I had some kind of feeling, premonition of what was going to come. All I knew was that I had a doozy of a fight on my hands. We were to meet with this end of life doctor who wanted to pull all ‘plugs’ so to say, and give up on her. Me, being the one who had solely cared for her over the last nine years, knew what she wanted, and it wasn’t to die. The fuckwits just wanted to get on with it, I mean after all she was old, it was time to just get rid of her.

      She knew it was just her and I against the others. She had known this for a long time. I always told her the family would break apart once she was gone. That I was the one protecting her from the dinks in the fam.

      Anyways, I arrived to find her alone. Not connected to anything, not even the IV fluids to keep her from getting dehydrated. I thought that odd as this was what we were to discuss with this early morning meeting. I said hello quite loudly, she had been hard of hearing the last few years, and I got used to yelling everytime I opened my trap. She opened her eyes up immediately. She had a this look of relief mixed with fright, that she was aware of what they were doing and she couldn’t stop it. But she also was relieved I was there. It was as if she was waiting for me. I couldn’t touch her hand as they had her wrapped up like a mummy. Her two stuffed toy cats on either side of herself within the wrappings. I couldn’t stroke her face or hair due to the painful shingles she had on her face. I could only support her with my eyes and my voice.

      She became upset when the nurse came in to wrap her yet again and to take her vitals. The woman is dying, can’t you fuck off with the vitals? The pain from the shingles had taken over her body and she whimpered and cried out at the slightest touch of her skin or movement of the bed. This once strong willed woman who never showed any emotions but strength, never cried nor showed affection, was saddled at the end of her life with sobbing and wailing. I felt her shame but I could not ease her feelings.

      She was swallowing her spittle which was an improvement and I said to her, ‘mom, you are swallowing! this is great!’ Her eyes met mine with a look of excitement as if there may be a chance. But when the nurse came in and I mentioned it to her she smiled quietly then continued on with her job. She knew mom was minutes away from death….I did not.

      Once the nurse left, mom was whimpering. Wrapped up like a freakin burrito she could hardly move. At that moment I realized she was leaving. She could have survived this but I couldn’t battle the fuckwits. They had been busy planning her funeral from day one, sitting in her room, within earshot, discussing the obit. I was furious and I chased them out of the room…like wtf! These thoughts flood back to me and I broke down. My strong facade for my mom had cracked. I crouched down beside the bed so she wouldn’t see. I quietly pleaded forgiveness for failing her, for not being able to bring her back home to die. I looked up and I was met by the biggest, clearest blue eyes I had ever seen. They were looking at me kinda sternly but also like it was another being behind her eyes. It startled me and I quickly got my composure. I was back at her side again, listening to her breathing, smelling the sweet air that was coming from within her body. I thought to myself, this is death.

      She once again looked frightened, pleading with her eyes to make it better. I spoke to her softly, ‘think of everyone you will see mom. Dad, Dora, Harry, your dad, Mabel….think…you will once again see how beautiful your mothers face is.‘ (She had lost her mom when she was six or seven, from a brain infection. This was just before penicillin which one shot of it would have cured her but she suffered for months in the end stages of a pregnancy, through a delivery of a live baby, then another 6weeks to follow with no contact whatsoever as they didn’t know how contagious she was. It was a hard death, my mom had witnessed it…sneaking into her mothers room one night because she wanted to see her mom. When she started to die my mother hid under the bed. No one ever knew she was there). She had always thought of her mother from a child’s point if view. She (her mom) was the one thing she wouldn’t stay so stoic about
      …when she spoke of her you could see her face soften and a look of sweet love washed over it. So I hoped if I mentioned her mom she would maybe forget her fear even if it was just for a moment.

      It worked, she opened those clear blue eyes, brought her chin down from the upward stance it had taken, and looked at me with such a pretty look. She smiled the sweetest smile I had ever seen then she closed her eyes. Her face raised up toward the ceiling again, wearing that sweet smile.

      Just then one of the fuckwits walked in. Startled that I had beat him to the hospital he acted surprised. ..’oh, he said, you are here early’. I answered yes that I wanted to see mom. He had a weak sign of interest but soon started tucking away at his belongings. I told him mom was dying…he stopped suddenly from his path to the chair and said ‘really?!?’ Like he had won on a lottery ticket but kept his composure as to not appear greedy at his win. I said to him, come over and see her but he refused. He continued to his chair and scrambled around for his phone.

      Well, this is how the favorite one acts in the end, the one that could do no wrong, the one my mother idolized. He didn’t have the decency to say goodbye. He left me, the loser, the family failure/fuck up take on this task. I guess I was good for something.

      I started to hum softly to my mom, which seemed to ease her. What did I hum I can’t quite remember…I think it was something from phantom of the opera I think….I had heard it earlier and it was in my head….’no more talk of darkness…’.

      She silently stopped breathing and as the fuckwit fooled around on his phone, she passed on, no struggle, no fuss. I kept humming as if I was singing her way along the lighted tunnel one always hears about. Finally I say, she has passed. He looks up startled, oh really he says and jumps up to look at her.

      In one last move of strength and humour…my mom jumps back into her body, taking a long hard gasp just as he looks at her. He jumps a mile and sits back down startled out of his pants. I laughed to myself thinking, that’s right mom…you got him. She always was a sly one.

      Now she finally is gone. Within minutes the troop of other fuckwits enter the room. I told them that she had just died. ‘Oh no!’they squeal as they run over to look at her. I was pushed away, like I had been my whole life. That was fine, I knew now that I was unleashed from this ghastly group of fuckwits, I no longer had to endure their dismissals.

      I was free.

      But from what? She was my best friend those final years. I was lost now.

      Once the dramatics had settled down and the nurse pronounced her, I quietly walked over to her. Now I was able to stroke the soft skin of her face and run my fingers through her hair…
      ’you are so beautiful…goodbye mom’

      and I turned around and left the room.

      This wasn’t gore related whatsoever, but it was something I needed to write. If you got to this point in this essay, thank you for reading.

      She was my best friend, and I miss her greatly.

      Rest In Peace mom.

    • #355376

      It was beautiful and very sad.

    • #355388

      Wow what a compelling read. I could say so much about my own mother’s death but let this just be your space.

      You may be perceived fuckwit to your family but you know who you are and what you did. Thank you for sharing this

      • #355422

        Thanks @desp

        Go ahead and share your experience..I don’t mind

        • #355615

          Thank you Ali but I don’t feel like being sad today 🙂

          I will say my experience was opposite. I had lunch with her on Saturday, she was dead on Tuesday. Shocking and horribly unexpected.

          Used to wonder what the lesser pain would be. Losing her so young as she was or her living long and suffering slow painful death. I still don’t know.

          She always said she never wanted to get old and she didn’t 🙁

          How long ago did you lose your mon?

    • #355490

      Sorry for your loss 🙁
      I’m really glad you got to be with her, sounds like it was the only way it was supposed to happen.
      You basically prevented her from dying alone.
      I love how she jumped back in her body just to look at the fuckwit one last time as if to say: “Ha, you didn’t want to see me huh?”

      • #355598

        Thanks for your kind words.

        I know eh!

        I love my brother dearly but years of listening to his praises just tarnished me a bit on him. Plus his actions after her death were pretty crappy (selling the house before I had a place to live, threatening to throw everything of moms into a dumpster and be done with it, monitoring my behaviour behind my back in the following months after her death…) I could go on but I’m trying to put that behind me now.

    • #355517
      Mr Spock

      Alicatt, that was in interesting but very sad story. I’m so sorry you lost your mum, but at least you were there when it happened, and she didn’t die alone. There is some consolation in that.

      Couldn’t the rest of your family not even speak to her in last few hours and minutes? Or at least just be with her as she slipped way? That sounds quite shocking. Nice family!

      • #355592

        Well in their defense, it happened rather quickly so they wouldn’t have been able to get there in time. I know the story seems drawn out but let’s say my mind works at a slower pace…all those big words and
        It took under 10 mins from the time I arrived, about 5mins from the time I realised she was dying. It’s a shame for them but she wouldn’t have wanted a big crowd. I’m surprised she was ok with me being there actually.

        Yeah I have an interesting family. Very non emotional, you are seen as not in control if you show emotions. We often were punished if we got too excited. So me with my depression issues from early on set me apart from the others, I was/am seen as a problem in the family.

        So they come upon it honestly.

    • #355939
      Lord Wankdust

      It is a harrowing experience to watch someone you are so close to and love so much die. That was a tough one Alicatt.
      You have been walking in the Shadow of the Valley of Death with your late Mum. But you are not in the Valley of Death. You’ll come out of that cold shadow soon. Your Mom would understand you would feel bad at her going and that you would miss her… but she would not want you to feel that way for long. Let your grief be a falling leaf.

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